“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”

“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”

Part One: Roll Call

We are Poor.
We are Angry.
We (as The Human League once said) “Are much more Clever than You.”
And yet, We will never be Stars or Sex Symbols or Heroes or Millionaires (and that’s a damn shame.)
We will never affect change on a global scale—or save the world.
We will work hard our entire lives and still die poor and powerless—and that is Horseshit.
However, because We are Horseshittists, We reserve the right to ignore your Laws and Values and Aesthetics and tedious Beliefs in your own Self-Worth and Importance, which are all Horseshit.

Part Two: Defining Terms

Politics is Horseshit.
Religion is Horseshit.
War is Horseshit.
Oppression is Horseshit.
Business is Horseshit.
Capitalism is Horseshit.
Communism is Horseshit.
Marxism is Horseshit.
Socialism is Horseshit.
Bureaucracy is Horseshit.
The Five-Day Work Week is Horseshit.
The Cost of Healthcare is Horseshit.
Being Young is Horseshit.
Feeling Young when you are clearly OLD is Horseshit.
Being Old is Horseshit.
The Beauty Industry is Horseshit.
The Entertainment Industry is Horseshit.
The Media is Horseshit.
Censorship is Horseshit.
Racism is Horseshit.
Classism is Horseshit.
Sexism is Horseshit.
Homophobia is Horseshit.
Academia is Horseshit.
Ignorance is Horseshit.
History is Horseshit.
The Future is Horseshit.
Art is Horseshit.
Literature is Horseshit.
Philosophy is Horseshit.
Permanence is Horseshit.
Death is Horseshit.
Folding Laundry is Horseshit.
Being Born Poor is Horseshit.
Being Born Rich and Not Giving Some of Your Money to US is Horseshit.
Boredom is Horseshit.
Not Playing, Not Enjoying Yourself, and Not Having a Good Time: All Horseshit.
Saying Everything is Horseshit is Horseshit.

Part Three: Call to Action

What should YOU do now that you know? Frankly, we don’t care. Chances are, you will continue to live your boring, pointless, distracted lives, doing whatever everyone tells you to do: your governments, your churches, your bosses, your friends, your favorite advertising firms… And that’s all fine with us.

We will continue to watch you doing stupid things, and We will laugh about it and mock you, and We will feel superior to You in every way. And YOU won’t care how We feel because you’ll never know who We are or why we’re really laughing.

For our own parts, We will continue to define our silly terms and think our superior (but pointless) thoughts and create our meaningless stories and poems and dramas and screenplays and articles and comics and paintings and websites and manifestos… And the main difference between US and YOU is that We will know that everything We do is nothing, all pointless, all horseshit—and that will be enough to make US better than YOU (which is also Horseshit.)

And the MOST clever amongst US will be able to trick you into thinking that what We do is valuable and worthwhile and MEANINGFUL, and We might even be able to steal some of your money away from you and convince you to feel good about losing it. THAT is the Horseshittists’ Golden Goose Egg!

Everything is Horseshit, this is the axiom by which We define the world, but being POOR and living in Horseshit sucks. Give Us some of your money, and we can ALL have more fun. Thank you, and have a nice day.

—Dr. Augeas P. Houyhnhnm et al. (30 Feb. 2013)
[Originally published 1 Mar. 2013 at The Primitive Entertainment Workshop]