"Broke Tooth Vamp" by Richard F. Yates

---Richard F. Yates

“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”

“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”

Part One: Roll Call

We are Poor.
We are Angry.
We (as The Human League once said) “Are much more Clever than You.”
And yet, We will never be Stars or Sex Symbols or Heroes or Millionaires (and that’s a damn shame.)
We will never affect change on a global scale—or save the world.
We will work hard our entire lives and still die poor and powerless—and that is Horseshit.
However, because We are Horseshittists, We reserve the right to ignore your Laws and Values and Aesthetics and tedious Beliefs in your own Self-Worth and Importance, which are all Horseshit.

Part Two: Defining Terms

Politics is Horseshit.
Religion is Horseshit.
War is Horseshit.
Oppression is Horseshit.
Business is Horseshit.
Capitalism is Horseshit.
Communism is Horseshit.
Marxism is Horseshit.
Socialism is Horseshit.
Bureaucracy is Horseshit.
The Five-Day Work Week is Horseshit.
The Cost of Healthcare is Horseshit.
Being Young is Horseshit.
Feeling Young when you are clearly OLD is Horseshit.
Being Old is Horseshit.
The Beauty Industry is Horseshit.
The Entertainment Industry is Horseshit.
The Media is Horseshit.
Censorship is Horseshit.
Racism is Horseshit.
Classism is Horseshit.
Sexism is Horseshit.
Homophobia is Horseshit.
Academia is Horseshit.
Ignorance is Horseshit.
History is Horseshit.
The Future is Horseshit.
Art is Horseshit.
Literature is Horseshit.
Philosophy is Horseshit.
Permanence is Horseshit.
Death is Horseshit.
Folding Laundry is Horseshit.
Being Born Poor is Horseshit.
Being Born Rich and Not Giving Some of Your Money to US is Horseshit.
Boredom is Horseshit.
Not Playing, Not Enjoying Yourself, and Not Having a Good Time: All Horseshit.
Saying Everything is Horseshit is Horseshit.

Part Three: Call to Action

What should YOU do now that you know? Frankly, we don’t care. Chances are, you will continue to live your boring, pointless, distracted lives, doing whatever everyone tells you to do: your governments, your churches, your bosses, your friends, your favorite advertising firms… And that’s all fine with us.

We will continue to watch you doing stupid things, and We will laugh about it and mock you, and We will feel superior to You in every way. And YOU won’t care how We feel because you’ll never know who We are or why we’re really laughing.

For our own parts, We will continue to define our silly terms and think our superior (but pointless) thoughts and create our meaningless stories and poems and dramas and screenplays and articles and comics and paintings and websites and manifestos… And the main difference between US and YOU is that We will know that everything We do is nothing, all pointless, all horseshit—and that will be enough to make US better than YOU (which is also Horseshit.)

And the MOST clever amongst US will be able to trick you into thinking that what We do is valuable and worthwhile and MEANINGFUL, and We might even be able to steal some of your money away from you and convince you to feel good about losing it. THAT is the Horseshittists’ Golden Goose Egg!

Everything is Horseshit, this is the axiom by which We define the world, but being POOR and living in Horseshit sucks. Give Us some of your money, and we can ALL have more fun. Thank you, and have a nice day.

—Dr. Augeas P. Houyhnhnm et al. (30 Feb. 2013)
[Originally published 1 Mar. 2013 at The Primitive Entertainment Workshop]

“That’s Gutter Talk! (And I Like It!!!)” by Supreme Bunny Warlord

Art is easy. If you don’t think so, you’re trying too hard. If you’re not having the best time of your life while you’re doing it, you should probably stop, and leave it to those of us do it every day and love it, whether we get paid for it or not.

“We are the music makers…”

---Supreme Bunny Warlord
[Originally published 25 Jan. 2012 at Guillotine Your Friends!]

“In the Night” by Richard F. Yates

3:45 A.M. Sandman missing, presumed dead.

The ants left the house in droves.

The couch danced a jig, while the rain cursed at the window. Elijah suffocated at the door to the kitchen.

Samson wept for his lost luggage. The children were still in shock.

The radio buzzed and continued to call his name.

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 22 Nov. 2011 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“Produce” by Richard F. Yates

When the bananas first became sentient, few people knew where the tiny death-screams that preceded each daiquiri were coming from. It wasn’t until they gained the ability to move, clumps suddenly skuttering around like chubby, yellow tarantulas, that the humans began to be afraid. Then the apples and oranges followed suit. Berries, plums, even tomatoes, that horrifying half-fruit, awoke in their supermarket displays to take revenge. Green grapes bit the fingertips off surprised children. Rhubarb stalks stumbled through town like leafy zombies devouring citizens. We were helpless before the mighty fruit attack. Thank the Heavens for the Robotic Auto-Juicer Squads, completed just before the humans were extinguished completely.

Now we are watching the vegetables closely for signs of the coming Garden Apocalypse. We can only pray that the Mobile Atomic Salad Shooter Tanks are perfected before the next menace awakes!

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally produced 16 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“The Party” by Richard F. Yates

Toothless Tom brought his dog to the party. Annie laughed, but her hair began to sag almost immediately. The dog lapped up a spilled drink. Za Zo considered leaving, but she chose to sulk, instead. Betty the Waitress, who was enjoying a night off, felt threatened. None of the partygoers remembered the cheese. The dog left alone.

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 23 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“The Floating Cow” – Dr. Ugg

The cow floated approximately six feet off the ground, chewing absently and apparently unconcerned as it progressed down Henson Street.

“Damn it, Bessie! Get your ass back to the barn,” Jed yelled, then spit a gooey mass of brown liquid into the gutter.

The cow rolled its huge eyes toward the farmer, gave a low mewling grunt, then continued floating toward the edge of town.

Three weeks later, Jed received a postcard of the world’s largest ball of twine that was signed, cryptically, with the word: “Moo.”

---Dr. Ugg
[Originally published 15 Oct. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“Particles in Motion” – Dr. Ugg

Rabbit runs. Rabbit digs in the soft soil, thinking about the fangs that sometimes hide in bushes. Rabbit sits upright, head twitching left—head twitching right.

But the attack comes from above. Hawk dives. Hawk’s eyes burn in the wind. He would smile, but his beak is rigid. (It’s not his fault.)

Rabbit doesn’t see Hawk. Rabbit doesn’t hear Hawk. Rabbit does feel Hawk; the hairs on his back stand up and dance. Rabbit’s eyes widen.

But Rabbit knows what to do.

Rabbit dives to the right. Hawk sees Rabbit move and adjusts his flight path. Rabbit rolls into the bushes and snares his pistol.

“You fell for it, you fucking monster,” Rabbit snarls. He aims carefully and squeezes the trigger. The gun kicks, pushing Rabbit’s paws backward, but his aim is true.

The bullet catches Hawk in the throat. He feels nothing, but knows…

Hawk hits the ground at nearly 180 miles per hour. Feathers and blood fly. Rabbit chuckles, knowing that his old enemy, the creature that has torn his family’s flesh, is gone.

Nearly a mile away, Hawk’s son sees the mess that was his father. True, they hadn’t spoken in months, not since his father ejected him from the house when he found a small bag of Mary Jane in Junior’s leather jacket.

They were not close, but Rabbit’s laughter grates on Junior’s nerves. He flicks his switch-knife open, then closed again.

Mother will be sad.

Rabbit will pay. Junior isn’t as old as his father was. Junior is quick and clever. And Junior knows, now, that Rabbit is packing heat.

Rabbit’s days are numbered.

---Dr. Ugg
[Originally published 7 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“The Lover Spurned” by Richard F. Yates

A man fell in love with his toaster, and really, who could blame him. Those supple curves, that flawless chrome skin… But the relationship quickly began to sour as the toaster refused to respond to the man’s advances, and after weeks of trying to win the toaster’s affections, the man came to realize that she was mostly hollow inside, and truth be told, pretty crumby. Then one day, he noticed, just a few feet down the counter, the blender…

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 11 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“Afternoon – 3:00 p.m.” by Richard F. Yates

ZAP!
BLAM!
Aaaaaagh!
Ha! Ha!
Oh! No! ZAP!

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally publish 30 Jan. 2013 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“The General’s Statement” by Richard F. Yates

The General took the podium amidst a low rumble from the crowd. He shuffled through a stack of papers then cleared his throat.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we do have a prepared statement regarding the rumors currently running rampant about the mishap at Fort Noxious Naval Base in Boring, Oregon. Four nights ago, a half dozen test subjects were able to escape their enclosures due to a malfunction in the facility’s wiring.”

A swell of murmuring and grumbles erupted from the crowd. The General raised his hands to still the voices then continued.

“Of the subjects that escaped, four were rabbits, one was a hamster, and the last, a pigeon. Rumors that the creatures were mutated at the facility through atomic exposure are completely false. I repeat: the creatures are in no way radioactive.”

The General looked out over the audience with his most penetrating glare. No one challenged him on the “atomic mutants” point, so he returned to his statement.

“The subjects are not considered dangerous at this time. Though they have been ‘modified’ with some electronic enhancements, the country’s leading animal psychologists and a world-renowned pet psychic all agree that the animals will most likely make for their natural habitats and proceed to live normal, animal lives until dying of natural causes within a year or two. Though we do have a team currently searching for the animals in order to the complete the research projects they are involved in, all of the experts agree that we have no reason to believe the creatures are in any way dangerous, and we assure you that there is no cause for concern or alarm at this time. Thank you.”

The General stepped down from the podium, ignoring the barrage of questions flying his way, and walked off the stage.

Four days later: THE END

---Richard F. Yates
[Originally publish 5 Mar. 2015 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]

“Report on Incidents from July 4th, 2015” by Richard F. Yates

For the 4^th, I reported at 9:30 A.M. to the house of Mark and Mary Counts to meet up with Mike King and unload DJ gear, while around me whirled a river of humans on their way to view a parade of mechanical wonders and marching mirth-makers. After sweating a great deal, the gear was prepared and I left the Counts’s to collect my family.

At approximately 1:15/1:30 (post meridian), I returned to the scene of the party, sugary and blended coffee drink in hand, to play music and enjoy the company of some people who I don’t get to visit with nearly often enough. As this was a reunion of sorts for Mike and I, many moons ago we spinned music together as the DJ collective “SATCHMO BASTICH,” I thought it fitting to begin the day with a Louis Armstrong song---and thus began a day of fanciful food, drinks, ultraviolet radiation, heat, sweat, talking, art, button making (also an art), visitations, remembrances, fireworks, and clever tunage!

My kids came and went, and my wife came and went and returned. People bopped by and chomped on Mary’s collection of feastibles and drank much liquid, which was essential in the near 100 degree f temperatures. Some couldn’t handle it (and I don’t blame them) and bugged early. Others were in it for the long haul. All in all, it was a great time! Perhaps these photos and the playlist will serve as evidence of the truth of my estimation!

XXX

Big Boom!

Mark Counts art on cardboard!

I tend to add digital effects to my drawings (for the obvious reasons...)

This bug was, apparently, a huge music fan. It hung out on the bottom of this speaker almost all day...

XXX

Playlist (Unfortunately, Mike didn’t write down his songs, so I’m marking his turn-taking with an MK! Like so…)

[Yates Spins 1^st:]

Louis Armstrong – “Jeepers Creepers”

Siouxsie & The Banshees – “Fireworks”

Gary Numan – “Stormtrooper in Drag”

The Beatles – “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Rhythm Scholar Remix)”

David Bowie – “Breaking Glass”

The Cure – “A Letter to Elise”

The Galvatrons – “Robots are Cool”

Eduard Khil – “Trololo Song”

The Waitresses – “Wise Up”

Beats International – “Dub be Good to Me”

Go Home Productions – “Thin Genie (Mash-Up)”

Colatron – “Whole Lotta Bass”

The Idle Race – “Sitting in My Tree”

Dephicit – “Aristocatnip”

Peter Schilling & Boom-Bastic – “Major Tom ’94 (English Version) (Chillout Mix)”

MK

Kat Edmonson – “Just Like Heaven”

Dr. Calculus – “Full of Love”

Lene Lovich – “Shape Shifter”

The Weathermen – “Poison”

Nine Inch Nails – “Head Like a Hole (Mustache Riot & Direct Feed Remix)”

Peter Schilling – “Retro (Toolbox Remix)”

Para One feat. Surkin – “Compute”

The Smiths vs Rootical Record Crew – “Stop Me Cruising (Chocomang Mash-Up)”

Devo – “Come Back Jonee”

The Neanderthals – “Martian Hop”

Them – “It’s All Over Now (Kissy Klub Version)”

Blondie – “Atomic”

And One – “Dancing in the Factory”

The Diceman – “Supervisor Error”

Meat Beat Manifesto – “Genocide”

Tiny Tim – “Ever Since You Told Me You Loved Me (I’m a Nut)”

April March – “Chick Habit”

My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult – “Burning Dirt (The Hand That Bleeds Mix)”

Oingo Boingo – “No One Lives Forever (Live)”

Gorillaz – “Rhinestone Eyes”

Visage – “Night Train”

Caught a Ghost – “No Sugar in My Coffee”

Big Audio Dynamite – “The Bottom Line (12” Remix Edit Version)”

ABC – “How to be a Zillionaire (Wall Street Mix)”

The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band – “You Done My Brain In (Disco Beard Catwalk Edit)”

Crystal Cadillac – “Love & War / Cities in Dust (Cosmo Radio Edit)”

Uffie – “Hong Kong Garden”

Psyche – “Unveiling the Secret”

MK

Skold – “Tonight (Rotersand Rework)”

Jan Johnston – “Unafraid (Paul Oakenfold Mix)”

Bird Peterson – “The Bad Atom (Smalltown Romeo Remix)”

The English Beat – “Rotating Head”

Skinny Puppy – “Wornin’”

The Cure – “Close to Me (Funkanizer Remix)”

Tennessee Ernie Ford – “Sixteen Tons”

Rise Robots Rise – “Flowers & Birds II: The Return”

The Funk Hunters & SkiiTour – “Candyman”

Specials – “A Message to You Rudy (Dreadsquad Remix)”

Go Home Productions – “Models on Film (Mash-Up)”

Jimmy Edgar – “Heartkey”

M.E.S.H. – “Meet Every Situation Head On”
Joy Division – “A Means to an End”

DJ Sammy – “Heaven (Downlow’d & SY4E Bootleg Remix)”

MK

Ministry – “Here We Go”

Trust – “Shoom”

Kissing the Pink – “Big Man Restless”

Plump DJs – “Hump Rock”

The Cruxshadows – “Dragonfly (Conjure One Remix)”

Studio Killers – “Ode to the Bouncer (Extended Mix)”

The Wombats – “Let’s Dance to Joy Division”

And that was it. We played until it was too dark to read the song titles on the CDs! Then, not too long after, the fireworks went boom overhead!

---Richard F. Yates