---Richard F. Yates
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”
“Manifestos are Horseshit: The First Horseshittist Manifesto”
Part One: Roll Call
We are Poor.
We are Angry.
We (as The Human League once said) “Are much more Clever than You.”
And yet, We will never be Stars or Sex Symbols or Heroes or Millionaires (and that’s a damn shame.)
We will never affect change on a global scale—or save the world.
We will work hard our entire lives and still die poor and powerless—and that is Horseshit.
However, because We are Horseshittists, We reserve the right to ignore your Laws and Values and Aesthetics and tedious Beliefs in your own Self-Worth and Importance, which are all Horseshit.
Part Two: Defining Terms
Politics is Horseshit.
Religion is Horseshit.
War is Horseshit.
Oppression is Horseshit.
Business is Horseshit.
Capitalism is Horseshit.
Communism is Horseshit.
Marxism is Horseshit.
Socialism is Horseshit.
Bureaucracy is Horseshit.
The Five-Day Work Week is Horseshit.
The Cost of Healthcare is Horseshit.
Being Young is Horseshit.
Feeling Young when you are clearly OLD is Horseshit.
Being Old is Horseshit.
The Beauty Industry is Horseshit.
The Entertainment Industry is Horseshit.
The Media is Horseshit.
Censorship is Horseshit.
Racism is Horseshit.
Classism is Horseshit.
Sexism is Horseshit.
Homophobia is Horseshit.
Academia is Horseshit.
Ignorance is Horseshit.
History is Horseshit.
The Future is Horseshit.
Art is Horseshit.
Literature is Horseshit.
Philosophy is Horseshit.
Permanence is Horseshit.
Death is Horseshit.
Folding Laundry is Horseshit.
Being Born Poor is Horseshit.
Being Born Rich and Not Giving Some of Your Money to US is Horseshit.
Boredom is Horseshit.
Not Playing, Not Enjoying Yourself, and Not Having a Good Time: All Horseshit.
Saying Everything is Horseshit is Horseshit.
Part Three: Call to Action
What should YOU do now that you know? Frankly, we don’t care. Chances are, you will continue to live your boring, pointless, distracted lives, doing whatever everyone tells you to do: your governments, your churches, your bosses, your friends, your favorite advertising firms… And that’s all fine with us.
We will continue to watch you doing stupid things, and We will laugh about it and mock you, and We will feel superior to You in every way. And YOU won’t care how We feel because you’ll never know who We are or why we’re really laughing.
For our own parts, We will continue to define our silly terms and think our superior (but pointless) thoughts and create our meaningless stories and poems and dramas and screenplays and articles and comics and paintings and websites and manifestos… And the main difference between US and YOU is that We will know that everything We do is nothing, all pointless, all horseshit—and that will be enough to make US better than YOU (which is also Horseshit.)
And the MOST clever amongst US will be able to trick you into thinking that what We do is valuable and worthwhile and MEANINGFUL, and We might even be able to steal some of your money away from you and convince you to feel good about losing it. THAT is the Horseshittists’ Golden Goose Egg!
Everything is Horseshit, this is the axiom by which We define the world, but being POOR and living in Horseshit sucks. Give Us some of your money, and we can ALL have more fun. Thank you, and have a nice day.
—Dr. Augeas P. Houyhnhnm et al. (30 Feb. 2013)
[Originally published 1 Mar. 2013 at The Primitive Entertainment Workshop]
Part One: Roll Call
We are Poor.
We are Angry.
We (as The Human League once said) “Are much more Clever than You.”
And yet, We will never be Stars or Sex Symbols or Heroes or Millionaires (and that’s a damn shame.)
We will never affect change on a global scale—or save the world.
We will work hard our entire lives and still die poor and powerless—and that is Horseshit.
However, because We are Horseshittists, We reserve the right to ignore your Laws and Values and Aesthetics and tedious Beliefs in your own Self-Worth and Importance, which are all Horseshit.
Part Two: Defining Terms
Politics is Horseshit.
Religion is Horseshit.
War is Horseshit.
Oppression is Horseshit.
Business is Horseshit.
Capitalism is Horseshit.
Communism is Horseshit.
Marxism is Horseshit.
Socialism is Horseshit.
Bureaucracy is Horseshit.
The Five-Day Work Week is Horseshit.
The Cost of Healthcare is Horseshit.
Being Young is Horseshit.
Feeling Young when you are clearly OLD is Horseshit.
Being Old is Horseshit.
The Beauty Industry is Horseshit.
The Entertainment Industry is Horseshit.
The Media is Horseshit.
Censorship is Horseshit.
Racism is Horseshit.
Classism is Horseshit.
Sexism is Horseshit.
Homophobia is Horseshit.
Academia is Horseshit.
Ignorance is Horseshit.
History is Horseshit.
The Future is Horseshit.
Art is Horseshit.
Literature is Horseshit.
Philosophy is Horseshit.
Permanence is Horseshit.
Death is Horseshit.
Folding Laundry is Horseshit.
Being Born Poor is Horseshit.
Being Born Rich and Not Giving Some of Your Money to US is Horseshit.
Boredom is Horseshit.
Not Playing, Not Enjoying Yourself, and Not Having a Good Time: All Horseshit.
Saying Everything is Horseshit is Horseshit.
Part Three: Call to Action
What should YOU do now that you know? Frankly, we don’t care. Chances are, you will continue to live your boring, pointless, distracted lives, doing whatever everyone tells you to do: your governments, your churches, your bosses, your friends, your favorite advertising firms… And that’s all fine with us.
We will continue to watch you doing stupid things, and We will laugh about it and mock you, and We will feel superior to You in every way. And YOU won’t care how We feel because you’ll never know who We are or why we’re really laughing.
For our own parts, We will continue to define our silly terms and think our superior (but pointless) thoughts and create our meaningless stories and poems and dramas and screenplays and articles and comics and paintings and websites and manifestos… And the main difference between US and YOU is that We will know that everything We do is nothing, all pointless, all horseshit—and that will be enough to make US better than YOU (which is also Horseshit.)
And the MOST clever amongst US will be able to trick you into thinking that what We do is valuable and worthwhile and MEANINGFUL, and We might even be able to steal some of your money away from you and convince you to feel good about losing it. THAT is the Horseshittists’ Golden Goose Egg!
Everything is Horseshit, this is the axiom by which We define the world, but being POOR and living in Horseshit sucks. Give Us some of your money, and we can ALL have more fun. Thank you, and have a nice day.
—Dr. Augeas P. Houyhnhnm et al. (30 Feb. 2013)
[Originally published 1 Mar. 2013 at The Primitive Entertainment Workshop]
Thursday, July 16, 2015
“That’s Gutter Talk! (And I Like It!!!)” by Supreme Bunny Warlord
Art is easy. If you don’t think so, you’re trying too hard. If you’re not having the best time of your life while you’re doing it, you should probably stop, and leave it to those of us do it every day and love it, whether we get paid for it or not.
“We are the music makers…”
---Supreme Bunny Warlord
[Originally published 25 Jan. 2012 at Guillotine Your Friends!]
“We are the music makers…”
---Supreme Bunny Warlord
[Originally published 25 Jan. 2012 at Guillotine Your Friends!]
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
“In the Night” by Richard F. Yates
3:45 A.M. Sandman missing, presumed dead.
The ants left the house in droves.
The couch danced a jig, while the rain cursed at the window. Elijah suffocated at the door to the kitchen.
Samson wept for his lost luggage. The children were still in shock.
The radio buzzed and continued to call his name.
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 22 Nov. 2011 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
The ants left the house in droves.
The couch danced a jig, while the rain cursed at the window. Elijah suffocated at the door to the kitchen.
Samson wept for his lost luggage. The children were still in shock.
The radio buzzed and continued to call his name.
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 22 Nov. 2011 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“Produce” by Richard F. Yates
When the bananas first became sentient, few people knew where the tiny death-screams that preceded each daiquiri were coming from. It wasn’t until they gained the ability to move, clumps suddenly skuttering around like chubby, yellow tarantulas, that the humans began to be afraid. Then the apples and oranges followed suit. Berries, plums, even tomatoes, that horrifying half-fruit, awoke in their supermarket displays to take revenge. Green grapes bit the fingertips off surprised children. Rhubarb stalks stumbled through town like leafy zombies devouring citizens. We were helpless before the mighty fruit attack. Thank the Heavens for the Robotic Auto-Juicer Squads, completed just before the humans were extinguished completely.
Now we are watching the vegetables closely for signs of the coming Garden Apocalypse. We can only pray that the Mobile Atomic Salad Shooter Tanks are perfected before the next menace awakes!
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally produced 16 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
Now we are watching the vegetables closely for signs of the coming Garden Apocalypse. We can only pray that the Mobile Atomic Salad Shooter Tanks are perfected before the next menace awakes!
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally produced 16 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“The Party” by Richard F. Yates
Toothless Tom brought his dog to the party. Annie laughed, but her hair began to sag almost immediately. The dog lapped up a spilled drink. Za Zo considered leaving, but she chose to sulk, instead. Betty the Waitress, who was enjoying a night off, felt threatened. None of the partygoers remembered the cheese. The dog left alone.
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 23 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 23 Feb. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“The Floating Cow” – Dr. Ugg
The cow floated approximately six feet off the ground, chewing absently and apparently unconcerned as it progressed down Henson Street.
“Damn it, Bessie! Get your ass back to the barn,” Jed yelled, then spit a gooey mass of brown liquid into the gutter.
The cow rolled its huge eyes toward the farmer, gave a low mewling grunt, then continued floating toward the edge of town.
Three weeks later, Jed received a postcard of the world’s largest ball of twine that was signed, cryptically, with the word: “Moo.”
---Dr. Ugg
[Originally published 15 Oct. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“Damn it, Bessie! Get your ass back to the barn,” Jed yelled, then spit a gooey mass of brown liquid into the gutter.
The cow rolled its huge eyes toward the farmer, gave a low mewling grunt, then continued floating toward the edge of town.
Three weeks later, Jed received a postcard of the world’s largest ball of twine that was signed, cryptically, with the word: “Moo.”
---Dr. Ugg
[Originally published 15 Oct. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“Particles in Motion” – Dr. Ugg
Rabbit runs. Rabbit digs in the soft soil, thinking about the fangs that sometimes hide in bushes. Rabbit sits upright, head twitching left—head twitching right.
But the attack comes from above. Hawk dives. Hawk’s eyes burn in the wind. He would smile, but his beak is rigid. (It’s not his fault.)
Rabbit doesn’t see Hawk. Rabbit doesn’t hear Hawk. Rabbit does feel Hawk; the hairs on his back stand up and dance. Rabbit’s eyes widen.
But Rabbit knows what to do.
Rabbit dives to the right. Hawk sees Rabbit move and adjusts his flight path. Rabbit rolls into the bushes and snares his pistol.
“You fell for it, you fucking monster,” Rabbit snarls. He aims carefully and squeezes the trigger. The gun kicks, pushing Rabbit’s paws backward, but his aim is true.
The bullet catches Hawk in the throat. He feels nothing, but knows…
Hawk hits the ground at nearly 180 miles per hour. Feathers and blood fly. Rabbit chuckles, knowing that his old enemy, the creature that has torn his family’s flesh, is gone.
Nearly a mile away, Hawk’s son sees the mess that was his father. True, they hadn’t spoken in months, not since his father ejected him from the house when he found a small bag of Mary Jane in Junior’s leather jacket.
They were not close, but Rabbit’s laughter grates on Junior’s nerves. He flicks his switch-knife open, then closed again.
Mother will be sad.
Rabbit will pay. Junior isn’t as old as his father was. Junior is quick and clever. And Junior knows, now, that Rabbit is packing heat.
Rabbit’s days are numbered.
---Dr. Ugg
[Originally published 7 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
[Originally published 7 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“The Lover Spurned” by Richard F. Yates
A man fell in love with his toaster, and really, who could blame him. Those supple curves, that flawless chrome skin… But the relationship quickly began to sour as the toaster refused to respond to the man’s advances, and after weeks of trying to win the toaster’s affections, the man came to realize that she was mostly hollow inside, and truth be told, pretty crumby. Then one day, he noticed, just a few feet down the counter, the blender…
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 11 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally published 11 Dec. 2012 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“Afternoon – 3:00 p.m.” by Richard F. Yates
ZAP!
BLAM!
Aaaaaagh!
Ha! Ha!
Oh! No! ZAP!
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally publish 30 Jan. 2013 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
BLAM!
Aaaaaagh!
Ha! Ha!
Oh! No! ZAP!
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally publish 30 Jan. 2013 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
“The General’s Statement” by Richard F. Yates
The General took the podium amidst a low rumble from the crowd. He shuffled through a stack of papers then cleared his throat.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we do have a prepared statement regarding the rumors currently running rampant about the mishap at Fort Noxious Naval Base in Boring, Oregon. Four nights ago, a half dozen test subjects were able to escape their enclosures due to a malfunction in the facility’s wiring.”
A swell of murmuring and grumbles erupted from the crowd. The General raised his hands to still the voices then continued.
“Of the subjects that escaped, four were rabbits, one was a hamster, and the last, a pigeon. Rumors that the creatures were mutated at the facility through atomic exposure are completely false. I repeat: the creatures are in no way radioactive.”
The General looked out over the audience with his most penetrating glare. No one challenged him on the “atomic mutants” point, so he returned to his statement.
“The subjects are not considered dangerous at this time. Though they have been ‘modified’ with some electronic enhancements, the country’s leading animal psychologists and a world-renowned pet psychic all agree that the animals will most likely make for their natural habitats and proceed to live normal, animal lives until dying of natural causes within a year or two. Though we do have a team currently searching for the animals in order to the complete the research projects they are involved in, all of the experts agree that we have no reason to believe the creatures are in any way dangerous, and we assure you that there is no cause for concern or alarm at this time. Thank you.”
The General stepped down from the podium, ignoring the barrage of questions flying his way, and walked off the stage.
A swell of murmuring and grumbles erupted from the crowd. The General raised his hands to still the voices then continued.
“Of the subjects that escaped, four were rabbits, one was a hamster, and the last, a pigeon. Rumors that the creatures were mutated at the facility through atomic exposure are completely false. I repeat: the creatures are in no way radioactive.”
The General looked out over the audience with his most penetrating glare. No one challenged him on the “atomic mutants” point, so he returned to his statement.
“The subjects are not considered dangerous at this time. Though they have been ‘modified’ with some electronic enhancements, the country’s leading animal psychologists and a world-renowned pet psychic all agree that the animals will most likely make for their natural habitats and proceed to live normal, animal lives until dying of natural causes within a year or two. Though we do have a team currently searching for the animals in order to the complete the research projects they are involved in, all of the experts agree that we have no reason to believe the creatures are in any way dangerous, and we assure you that there is no cause for concern or alarm at this time. Thank you.”
The General stepped down from the podium, ignoring the barrage of questions flying his way, and walked off the stage.
Four days later: THE END
---Richard F. Yates
[Originally publish 5 Mar. 2015 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
[Originally publish 5 Mar. 2015 at VERY VERY VERY SHORT STORIES]
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
“Report on Incidents from July 4th, 2015” by Richard F. Yates
For the 4th,
I reported at 9:30 A.M. to the house of Mark and Mary Counts to meet up with
Mike King and unload DJ gear, while around me whirled a river of humans on
their way to view a parade of mechanical wonders and marching mirth-makers.
After sweating a great deal, the gear was prepared and I left the Counts’s to
collect my family.
At approximately
1:15/1:30 (post meridian), I returned to the scene of the party, sugary and
blended coffee drink in hand, to play music and enjoy the company of some
people who I don’t get to visit with nearly often enough. As this was a reunion
of sorts for Mike and I, many moons ago we spinned music together as the DJ
collective “SATCHMO BASTICH,” I thought it fitting to begin the day with a
Louis Armstrong song---and thus began a day of fanciful food, drinks,
ultraviolet radiation, heat, sweat, talking, art, button making (also an art),
visitations, remembrances, fireworks, and clever tunage!
My kids came
and went, and my wife came and went and returned. People bopped by and chomped
on Mary’s collection of feastibles and drank much liquid, which was essential
in the near 100 degree f temperatures. Some couldn’t handle it (and I don’t
blame them) and bugged early. Others were in it for the long haul. All in all,
it was a great time! Perhaps these photos and the playlist will serve as
evidence of the truth of my estimation!
XXX
Big Boom!
Mark Counts art on cardboard!
I tend to add digital effects to my drawings (for the obvious reasons...)
This bug was, apparently, a huge music fan. It hung out on the bottom of this speaker almost all day...
XXX
Playlist
(Unfortunately, Mike didn’t write down his songs, so I’m marking his
turn-taking with an MK! Like so…)
[Yates Spins
1st:]
Louis
Armstrong – “Jeepers Creepers”
Siouxsie
& The Banshees – “Fireworks”
Gary Numan –
“Stormtrooper in Drag”
The Beatles –
“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Rhythm Scholar Remix)”
David Bowie –
“Breaking Glass”
The Cure – “A
Letter to Elise”
The
Galvatrons – “Robots are Cool”
Eduard Khil –
“Trololo Song”
The
Waitresses – “Wise Up”
Beats
International – “Dub be Good to Me”
Go Home
Productions – “Thin Genie (Mash-Up)”
Colatron – “Whole
Lotta Bass”
The Idle
Race – “Sitting in My Tree”
Dephicit – “Aristocatnip”
Peter
Schilling & Boom-Bastic – “Major Tom ’94 (English Version) (Chillout Mix)”
MK
Kat Edmonson
– “Just Like Heaven”
Dr. Calculus
– “Full of Love”
Lene Lovich –
“Shape Shifter”
The
Weathermen – “Poison”
Nine Inch
Nails – “Head Like a Hole (Mustache Riot & Direct Feed Remix)”
Peter
Schilling – “Retro (Toolbox Remix)”
Para One
feat. Surkin – “Compute”
The Smiths
vs Rootical Record Crew – “Stop Me Cruising (Chocomang Mash-Up)”
Devo – “Come
Back Jonee”
The
Neanderthals – “Martian Hop”
Them – “It’s
All Over Now (Kissy Klub Version)”
Blondie – “Atomic”
And One – “Dancing
in the Factory”
The Diceman –
“Supervisor Error”
Meat Beat
Manifesto – “Genocide”
Tiny Tim – “Ever
Since You Told Me You Loved Me (I’m a Nut)”
April March –
“Chick Habit”
My Life with
the Thrill Kill Kult – “Burning Dirt (The Hand That Bleeds Mix)”
Oingo Boingo
– “No One Lives Forever (Live)”
Gorillaz – “Rhinestone
Eyes”
Visage – “Night
Train”
Caught a
Ghost – “No Sugar in My Coffee”
Big Audio
Dynamite – “The Bottom Line (12” Remix Edit Version)”
ABC – “How
to be a Zillionaire (Wall Street Mix)”
The Bonzo
Dog Doo Dah Band – “You Done My Brain In (Disco Beard Catwalk Edit)”
Crystal
Cadillac – “Love & War / Cities in Dust (Cosmo Radio Edit)”
Uffie – “Hong
Kong Garden”
Psyche – “Unveiling
the Secret”
MK
Skold – “Tonight
(Rotersand Rework)”
Jan Johnston
– “Unafraid (Paul Oakenfold Mix)”
Bird
Peterson – “The Bad Atom (Smalltown Romeo Remix)”
The English
Beat – “Rotating Head”
Skinny Puppy
– “Wornin’”
The Cure – “Close
to Me (Funkanizer Remix)”
Tennessee
Ernie Ford – “Sixteen Tons”
Rise Robots
Rise – “Flowers & Birds II: The Return”
The Funk
Hunters & SkiiTour – “Candyman”
Specials – “A
Message to You Rudy (Dreadsquad Remix)”
Go Home
Productions – “Models on Film (Mash-Up)”
Jimmy Edgar –
“Heartkey”
M.E.S.H. – “Meet
Every Situation Head On”
Joy Division – “A Means to an End”
Joy Division – “A Means to an End”
DJ Sammy – “Heaven
(Downlow’d & SY4E Bootleg Remix)”
MK
Ministry – “Here
We Go”
Trust – “Shoom”
Kissing the
Pink – “Big Man Restless”
Plump DJs – “Hump
Rock”
The
Cruxshadows – “Dragonfly (Conjure One Remix)”
Studio
Killers – “Ode to the Bouncer (Extended Mix)”
The Wombats –
“Let’s Dance to Joy Division”
And that was
it. We played until it was too dark to read the song titles on the CDs! Then,
not too long after, the fireworks went boom overhead!
---Richard
F. Yates
Friday, June 5, 2015
"The Ravenous Craving for Attention" by Richard F. Yates
As a human, I have several flaws. One of the biggest is my belief in my own importance. I'm pretty special, everyone knows it---but not everyone shows me the devotion, love, and attention that I deserve and that they know they should give to me, so that's why being an artist and a writer is so great. I make things (drawings, poems, plays, paintings, photography, witty sayings, etc...) and I send them out into the universe, usually by posting them to a blog or social media site from my phone or computer, and then BLAMMO!!!
I sit back and soak my ego in all the likes and comments and views and shares...
I know it's, technically, not ME that's getting all the attention, but people do, sometimes, seem to enjoy my creations (usually a bunny or snake or monster or some weird abstract machine, or a story about that type of thing.) And that's why I keep doing it. For the attention! (And I guess my stuff does make a few people, sometimes, on occasion... I guess...)
---Richard F. Yates
I sit back and soak my ego in all the likes and comments and views and shares...
I know it's, technically, not ME that's getting all the attention, but people do, sometimes, seem to enjoy my creations (usually a bunny or snake or monster or some weird abstract machine, or a story about that type of thing.) And that's why I keep doing it. For the attention! (And I guess my stuff does make a few people, sometimes, on occasion... I guess...)
---Richard F. Yates
Drill. You know it.
Sometimes it makes me wonder: why, oh why, do I do what I do???
---Richard F. Yates
---Richard F. Yates
Monday, March 23, 2015
I Don't Even Remember Starting This Blog...
Sometimes I do things, and I have these grand schemes in my head---plans that will eventually lead to fame and fortune and power and owning my own pinball machine. And then I forget the plan, or it turns out that it's going to be harder than I thought and I give up. Sometimes, however, things just appear in front of me, and they seem like something that I would do, but I don't remember doing them. Like starting this blog. When did I start a blog called "I'm Tired of You, You're Sick of Me" ??? I mean, it sounds like something I would do, but there aren't any posts on it.
Why would I go to the trouble of starting a blog, but not make any posts? Seems weird. Did I have a plan? Another grand scheme that, if I finally execute it, will lead to fame and fortune and free pinball? We may never know.
Now, the remains of this blog will help clutter up the internet, causing PIXEL BLIGHT or some other weird and unknown computer illness... (What the smerf am I blathering about???)
Voodoo. Computers are like voodoo. I don't really know how they work, but I know if I cut a chicken's throat and shake my wax effigies in a certain way, things happen on the screen. Or something like that.
What a bunch of nonsense.
I like nonsense. I'm glad I found this weird, unstarted blog and typed a few words into it. I mean, I know there's no reason for anyone to read it, but that's okay. I have lots and lots of words floating around on the internet that nobody will ever read. Doesn't seem to stop me writing more!
So that there is some educational content to this blog, here is a link to Fluxus artist Robert Filliou's book on art, teaching, and performance. It's super great:
And that's probably enough drivel for now. I doubt that I'll ever post another note on this blog---but that doesn't mean that I won't!
---Richard F. Yates
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